safe
by Brokie
Summary: RENTfic. About Roger trying to cope with the problems in his life. Chapter 3 Added
1. Chapter 1

the madness comes in waves, and it's blue, like the ocean or like your eyes when you're not awake ****

disclaimer: not mine. please don't sue.

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author's note: just so you know, this is meant to be non-capitalized and somewhat nonsensical.. it's about roger during the period of time after april's death and after his diagnosis. it's very strange, but i'm hoping it will help me get through my small case of writer's block so i can add more to "radio," which i've been working on chapter 3 of.. and i'm going to see RENT on October 10th! i can't wait.. anyways, please read & review, i'd really appreciate it.

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• safe •

the madness comes in waves, and it's blue, like the ocean or like your eyes when you're not awake. i've gotten lost in here more times than i can count, even though i have a map. but still the twists and turns are hard to navigate, especially when i think too much. it's so cold in here. i forgot to take my medicine, the perfect pills i choke down to help me stay here even though all i want is to get away.. push the lifeline into me and let go and make it all better. violent fresh squeezed sunlight streams in through my eyes and it's hard to see where i'm going in the mess i've made. i think it's getting warmer.. take it and make it better, turn it around and put it back threefold. it's all the same to me

and i keep falling. sleep is a blessing that never comes and so the whole day is just.. out of order and wrong somehow even though when mark asks me what i'm talking about i can't find any words to explain it. april comes and goes, not the month but the angel, i can feel that she's here but i can't see her and when i call out her name she won't answer. she must be angry but i don't know what i've done.

there's something dark coming close and it's moving too fast and it looks like nighttime away from the city without the lights.. something around me and holding me still and i'm scared.. i feel weak and there are noises that are coming closer and louder and clearer now, they're telling me to come back and down and somewhere else i can't tell what i'm supposed to do

see i always get lost i don't know where i put the map it's somewhere but it's been hidden ever since she stopped answering me when i called out her name. arms holding me close feels special and warm like always and never, i feel halfway safe now and i can hear it.. him, it's him, and i take a deep breath and listen to what he says. words and panic make me afraid but a thought picks up the slack somewhere in the haze and i know that he loves me and i love him, and so it's okay and i close my eyes..

let myself sink down and let go of something i was never holding onto and my face is wet.. is it raining? somewhere inside me maybe it is because i always feel that way but now the feeling's faded for awhile and i just feel secure and tucked away and perfect.. a twenty minute facade that we love to put on.

the feeling slides and i blink and it's dark again, like a blindfold slipped over bloodshot eyes with the lids pulled tightly shut. i know he's changed something, and i'm glad, i don't like it bright and happy because i can't be like that so no one else should get to either. i'm jealous and self absorbed and naive and i love the feeling i get when i don't have a care in the world and i hate what it feels like to come back down.. i'm always coming down right about now and crashing, burning hard and fast. but he's always there, which is strange but normal. comforting. the arms are back and just as safe and so my eyes slip closed again and i try not to think about now, just about last and next year, how it's going to be perfect again someday just like he says it will. 


	2. Chapter 2

i feel chopped and formed, cut and molded, like  ****

disclaimer: still not mine.. don't sue, you won't get much.

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author's note: thank you all for reviewing chapter one! and to answer your questions, yes it's about roger, yes it's during his withdrawal (right after april's death and his diagnosis), and yes "he" is referring to mark. also, just so everyone knows.. i have absolutely NO IDEA where this is going. really, no idea whatsoever. any comments/suggestions would be great..

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shameless plug: i posted chapter 3 of one of my other stories, "radio." it's my first posted fic to feature dialogue.. would anyone mind going and reading and telling me if i'm any good at it? thanks..

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• safe—chapter 2 •

i feel chopped and formed, cut and molded into something i would never want to be. i'm wasting away from the inside out and the outside in and everywhere in between. it seems like something's broken but maybe it's just me. he's angry now because i haven't been choking down the pills like the doctor says i should, but they taste like anger and they feel like glass going down my throat and i don't want them. april doesn't come around as much anymore and i'm scared, i don't want the medicine that helps me stay here, i want the kind that helps me escape.. i've done it once before but he found me and he started to cry, so i never did it again. mark's not supposed to hurt, even though it's always my fault when he does. sometimes i just get this strange fucked up pleasure out of pulling people down so they feel the same as me. it's sick and twisted and he doesn't deserve it, i'm the only one who isn't worth the time..

i'm raw and bleeding somewhere deep inside, but i don't have a care in the world because it feels good. i don't know why it does, i just want it to last forever because it helps me forget. a dream screen dropped over my eyes, giving me hope that i might not last much longer. but then i hear his voice, and i panic. what will become of him when i'm gone? april broke off a part of me and took it with her when she left, but the rest of me is still here; clinging onto those shaking arms and those perfect frightened let down eyes. i want to let go, but something's holding me back.. a voice is telling me it's not what it should be, i'm not supposed to love the feeling i get when he's holding me. i think they've told me it's wrong before, but i'm so mixed up that right and wrong could easily be switched around.

i want it to be right

earthquakes are passing through me and i don't want him to look at me like he does.. he's not supposed to care because then my self-indulgence will only hurt him more. i'm dirty and used up and he shouldn't want someone like this. i can't love him, doesn't he see that? i've already been screwed over and set aside to waste away. i don't know why he thinks he can dust me off and start over; i'm not that kind of person. i want him to love me but i don't want him to hurt. i can't have both because i always hurt the people i love; i've made my girlfriends cry, and i made my father hate me enough to leave, and then april went away because i didn't care enough. or because i didn't tell her i loved her enough, or because i did something wrong even though i don't know what it is, i just know it has to be my fault because it always is

he wants me to eat. he's begging me and i can't look at him because i know i'll give in. even though the thought of food gives me a torn up feeling and only makes me want my poison lifeline more. i hear him set the plate down and start to leave. i hear a weak choked up sound, and he turns around so i realize it must have been me.. then his arms are around me and i sink into them like a child, try not to feel ashamed. before i close my eyes i catch a glimpse of his, blue sky comfort etched in worry. i wish i could wipe away the tears he must shed when i'm not there

i want to love you mark, i swear i do.. i've just forgotten how

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another note: in case anyone wants to know, some aspects of roger in this chapter—namely the fact that he blames himself for things and is afraid to love people for fear of hurting them—were partially inspired by what he says at one point in "goodbye love":

"you'll never share real love

until you love yourself—i should know"

so, that's where the whole low self-esteem/self blame type stuff came from..

also, as you may have noticed, i seem to be setting up a nice little foundation for some possible M/R in the future.. please review and tell me if you like the idea. ;-)


	3. Chapter 3

disclaimer: as always, i don't own them.  
  
author's note: yeah, it's been more than two weeks since i posted the last chapter. sorry, y'all, i was having troubles with writer's block for awhile there, and you can probably tell since this chapter's even shorter than usual. i think i might know where this is going now, but i'm still not sure. reviews will be cherished forever... :-)  
  
  
  
  
  
  
• safe-chapter 3 •  
  
  
hailstorm of words ricochets off my ears and i realize i'm the one screaming. at him. it's not supposed to be like this, i said i wouldn't hurt him why can't i stop yelling i'm so angry but he's so.. his words are stone cold and bitter but his eyes are crying without the tears. because of me. and i can't do what i need to do, i can't apologize or hold him and i can't stop the pain because i'm the cause of it. just like i always am.  
  
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i love the sound my footsteps make on the stairs as i run away from him. when my feet hit the sidewalk, i marvel at how easy it is to walk away when you don't waste time looking back. don't think of his broken voice crying my name just before the door slammed, don't slow down, don't stop because i might turn back. tell myself the anger coursing through me isn't really mixed with pain, lie and say i'm angry at him and not myself. it's so simple, don't know why i'm the only one.. detached and cold, unfeeling gets you where you want to be. the lot, the man, the daring mixed message escape with the death threat written where you can't see so you won't know it's there until she's gone and you're broken up to bits and you can't stop hurting yourself and everyone else  
i don't know why i do this to him or why i keep replaying the scene in my head and wishing i could change it. no but i do know, i just.. don't want to think about it. don't want weakness, i want escape. i don't want to hurt him. i'm too closed off to admit my emotions aren't the right ones. i'm a fucked up no-hit wonder and i know so many people who would love to tell me that. i want to leave this place but not him, it wouldn't be like this time or the last time. don't want to come back, don't want to keep going or be brave or fearless i just want the pain to stop. i thought i was supposed to be strong..  
i wonder.. which do i need more, him or my self indulgence? him or the death wish lifeline i burn into myself? right now it's neither, just anger and something colored a bitter shade of blue.  
i want to give him everything, but i have nothing to give. he wouldn't want my empty promises and lukewarm memories faded to black and blue anyway.   
something inside of me is being ripped apart but i'm too strung out and useless so i just let it tear. realize i've walked past the lot, past my chance for perfection in a bag, in a needle, in the empty spot inside of me that used to hold her, but i don't care enough anymore. i suppose it wouldn't really matter if mark hated me any more but if he hates me i wonder why he stays, why he holds me when i cry, why i cry at all because i used to be so hard and bitter but now i'm just lost.  
april is gone. i don't understand that. it was supposed to be perfect and forever and love at first sight just like you see on tv. not like this, never like this. i hate that i think so much because my mind keeps drifting back to the morbid picture painted on the backs of my eyelids; red and april and not so beautiful anymore, no light in her eyes just blank staring at the ceiling, floating sadness. crimson shade i want to forget..  
i don't understand.  
  



End file.
